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| | | 1. The Hip-AttachmentHe never goes anywhere without her. Bars, Strip clubs, Gyms, The urologist. It's a particular problem when she's the only girl, because it completely throws off the whole dynamic of "the guys." You can't get as drunk. The jokes can't be as dirty. And suddenly you realize your guy friends are boring without beer and titty humor. | | | | | | 2. The Cash CowYou ever go somewhere with your friend, and he always feels the need to buy her something. "Oh that reminds me of Sally. Oh I must buy it." You know who this guy is? This is the guy who always "forgets" that it's his turn to buy a round of drafts, cuz he's broke paying for his fiend of a woman. | | | | | | 3. The Moral Affliction If you ever have the following dialogue with a friend, drive him to the state house and force him to return his testicles, he doesn't deserve them: "Wow look at the ass on that!"
"Yeah, she is slammin'. I'd tap that shit!"
"Come on guys. Show a little respect." Show a little respect? Listen, I don't know many things, but let me tell you this. Girls like that, they live for it. Oh, they try to fool you with remarks of "pig" and "slob" and "here's a restraining order." But they Love it. Why else do girls wear jeans two sizes too short and six inch heels. Oh, for comfort? Get out of your fantasy world. | | | | | | 4. The PDA Public displays of affection are the most earnest ways of destroying your friendships with others. If you are surrounded by others, you may not kiss, or even hold hands (what, is she going to fall down?). And please, if one of your friends does something stupid, DO NOT do that thing where you smile and hug each other as if to say, "God, we're so much better than that." That's how killing sprees start. | | | | | | 5. The PossessorSome guys date girls who don't have names, at least according to them. This occurs when you hear bits of dialogue like this: "My girlfriend is going bass fishing."
"My girlfriend's been to Paris."
"My girlfriend's rash finally cleared up." Stop saying "my girlfriend". It's irritating and makes the poor unsuspecting woman sound like your latest novelty item. Not that there's anything wrong with objectifying woman, but when you're using it strictly as a means of self-pleasing, jerking off if you will, it's lame and contrived. | | | | | | 6. The Denial It's such a grave insult to be called whipped that many guys claim they are not. "I'm not whipped motherfucker, I'LL KILL YOU! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! Ahh shit, baby just paged me, if I leave now, I can make it in time to massage her bunions. AND I'M NOT FUCKING WHIPPED!!!" | | | | | | 7. The Uggo Complex Now it's one thing to be whipped if your girlfriend is cute. I mean, if you have a nice car, a Ferrari perhaps, you want to keep it happy--oil changes, lube jobs, other auto terms as sexual innuendo metaphors. But if you're driving an '86 shitbox, who gives a shit if you use the Premium? In conclusion, if your bitch isn't better than unleaded, she ain't worth spending the extra time and money on the Plus. (Side note: 7,642 Women just left this website after that line.) | | | | | | 8. The Life Changer The saddest thing I've ever seen was a friend of mine who converted to being a Yankee fan because his girlfriend was. Damn tragedy. Made "Schindler's List" look like an episode of Mr. Bean. You do not change your ideals for a woman. Oh, sure you can change in little ways: start showering, doing laundry, stop trying to molest your dog. But you do not change interests, hobbies, and religions. And yes, the Red Sox are a religion. And Yankee fans are Satanists. | | | | | | 9. The HooverIt's a terrible thing to lose a friend, but some guys do it to themselves. There are only so many times you can call a guy to come hang out and have him blow you off. Guys do not like getting blown by other guys, unless you're in prison or Maryland. I'm sorry, but Maryland is a really gay state. | | | | | | 10. The Lazarus Some guys live like the Hoover for a few years, but time goes by and they eventually leave the princess of Darkness, and want to return to the group. Here are the four criteria for allowing a former Hoover back into the Circle. A) From here on out, the ex will be referred to as "The Beast."
B) He owes everyone a beer for their troubles.
C) He must catch up, by himself, with no help from Sports Nut Guy, on all the information he missed while his dick was imprisoned.
D) He treats everyone to a hooker. | | | |
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