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| | | Preventive Cock Blocking Tips
"1) If a girl is flirting with you at the bar, don’t instantly assume you’re going to get laid. And, for crying out loud, don’t tell her that she’s going to have Sex with you. You look like a rapist, and she’ll shoot you down just to put you in your place.
2) If you’re hitting on a woman and she’s shooting you down, don’t try to hit on her friend. She will shoot you down just on principle. They will also tell the other Women they meet in the bathroom to stay away from you because you’re a Grade A Doucher.
3) If she’s blowing you off, don’t start to brag about how much money you make. That’ll only work if she’s a gold digger, and really, do you want to fuck that?
4) This builds on #3, self confidence is sexy. Chances are, if you come across as confident, she won’t blow you off in the first place. If you come across as a whiny bitch, she just might hand you a tampon and point you to the nearest rest room. I know a guy who actually advertises the fact that he is a 25 year-old Virgin and only kissed 2 women in his life. (I’ve kissed more women than him.) This is NOT going to get him laid. It won’t even get him a pity blowie. It will get him a wedgie on the playground after lunch.
5) If you are drinking a “cocktail”, you’re holding your own Cock block in your hand. Women like me who drink beer or liquor. If your drink looks fruity, you look fruity. A few acceptable drinks: gin and tonic, anything straight or on the rocks, beer. A few unacceptable drinks: Red Bull and vodka, margarita, white Russians (only The Dude can pull those off) anything that has a name other than what’s in the drink (Long Island Iced Tea included). Women draw a fine line at the martini. If you’re wearing a business suit and hanging out at a swanky bar, you can have a martini, but it better not have any color to it.
a. Since we’re on the topic of drinks, let’s talk about the types of beer men drink. Men do not drink Michelob Ultra. Real men do not worry about the carb content of their beer. Real men drink beer that has some color and flavor to it. If you’re drinking anything that’s “light” you are light in the loafers.
i. Additionally, if you’re not a beer drinker, don’t admit to it. I dated a guy in college who said beer tasted “like moose piss”. How the fuck did he know what moose piss tasted like? I will never again trust a man who says he’s not a beer drinker. He drank a Cosmo at a party once because that was his only option other than beer. Man up. Drink the beer. Sissy!
6) If you are slurring your speech or falling down drunk, you are not getting laid. No woman wants to run the risk of getting puked on while doing the hokey pokey. If it looks like you might pass out mid-thrust or have whiskey dick, no woman is going to waste her time. Plus, you’ll forget her name five seconds after she tells it to you if you’re too drunk. If you’re lucky enough to be this drunk and still get her to go home with you, the minute you call her by the wrong name or (gasp!) ask what her name is, your balls will turn the color of Papa Smurf. In short, learn how to handle your liquor.
7) Look in the mirror. Is your collar popped? Do you have an orange glow to you from too much time in the tanning bed? Is your chest shaved? Do you spend more time on your hair than I do? That shit is not attractive. Stop doing it. You look like you enjoy sucking on the salty custard straw.
8) Everybody has dirty little secrets. Keep them that way. There are several things a woman never wants to hear on the first date:
a. G.E.D.
b. Custody battle
c. Spiderman sheets
d. Valtrex
e. Rehab
9) Did you just tell her that you’re looking for your soul mate? Why don’t you just chop your nuts off? This will end one of two ways:
a. The cool chick will bounce. You’re getting way too serious, way too fast. If she is as cool as you think she is, she will not want to hear that.
b. You will end up with a total psychopath. Those are the only type of women who are interested in turning a one night stand into the rest of her life.
10) And, finally, if you are hanging out with any guy who is pulling any of these stunts, you, by default, have cock blocked yourself. Guys, follow your own damn code. You can accuse your friend of cock blocking you, but you’re the one who chose to hang out with him. If your friend is doing this shit, take him outside, punch him in the nuts and put him in a cab. She will appreciate the gesture."
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