 | | | America! Fuck yeah!1) The Jeep Wrangler. Anybody looks sexy driving this vehicle. It’s not a car. It’s not a truck. It’s not an SUV. If you have a Jeep Wrangler, take that top off and drive it around today. Sure, it guzzles gas, but look at how many people check you out. If you don’t have a Jeep Wrangler, be jealous. They make you at least 10% hotter.
2) Rodeo. Only in America could you find a sport where a 6’ 4”, 130 lb. man will strap himself to 1,600 pounds of angry steak dinner and try to hold on for 8 seconds. Yes, most of the events in rodeo do have a basis in real ranch work, but those cowboys ride bulls just because they can.
3) Hypocrisy. This is a land of “do as I say, not as I do.” And, we make no excuses for it. Remember Sarah Palin? She preached abstinence only while her unwed, teenage daughter was getting knocked up. And, somehow, we were all okay with that. Jack Daniel’s is made in a dry county! How is that possible? Hypocrisy, that’s how.
4) NASCAR. Drive fast. Turn left. I can do that. But, every Sunday, we tune-in to watch it on TV. It used to be just a redneck thing, but now, even my mother watches it. And, no, Formula One does not count.
5) Barbeque. There is something about the smell of hickory smoke and meat that just makes my heart sing. Mix that with some cole slaw, baked beans and corn bread and you have the makings of the perfect meal.
6) Drinking Games. Yes, the Germans may have perfected the production of beer, but we have perfected the overconsumption of it. Beer Pong, Asshole, Shoots and Ladders-they all make great drinking games. In college, my best friend and I invented a game called “Truck, Boots, Dog, Momma.” You put on the country music station and drank any time you heard any one of those 4 words. That 24-pack didn’t last long.
7) Country Music. How could I tell you about “Truck, Boots, Dog, Momma” without paying homage to country music? Admit it, you Love you some country music. It has given us the likes of Willie Nelson, Dolly Parton (It costs a lot to look this cheap), Merl Haggard and Tammy Wynette. But, it has also given us more recent hotties like Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Kenny Chesney, Marina McBride and everybody’s favorite-Toby Keith. Plus, where else can you find lines like, “She thinks my tractor’s sexy,” “I’d like to check you for ticks” and “
8) The 2nd Amendment. I’ll admit it, I’m blue. But, I was raised by a father who had a gun cabinet and went hunting. (Unfortunately, his most successful hunting was done with the front bumper of his truck.) I think our right to bare arms is very important. My only issue is with the thugs in the ghetto who keep shooting innocent bystanders. If they had better aim, I wouldn’t quite care what they did with their guns.
9) Star Spangled Bikinis. Okay, so it’s a flag, not a fabric, but what man doesn’t sigh “God bless America” when he sees a good looking woman sporting the stars and stripes? Let’s see the French try to do that!
10) Super Bowl Sunday. I foresee the day after Super Bowl Sunday becoming a national holiday very soon. Why? Because Super Bowl Sunday is a day dedicated solely to watching football, eating and drinking. It’s an all day event even though the game doesn’t start until 6 P.M.
And last, but not least,
11) Rednecks. I’m sure you were expecting something better, but I think rednecks are some of the greatest people in this country. And you can’t find them anywhere else. Heck, Jeff Foxworthy built an empire out of being a redneck. I know of a little place in Four Oaks, North Carolina called “The Redneck Riviera”. This is a place where, on a good weekend, you can find almost all of the things listed above tucked neatly into one little place.
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