The Classic

Favored by world leaders, salesmen and the elderly, the classic is undoubtedly the reigning greeting of choice. In all its forms – single pump, double pump, continuous pump (in which the initiator maintains a steady rhythm throughout the duration of a short conversation), vice grip and sissy – the classic shows no signs of becoming obsolete. Developed in the early 1920s as a square dance step, it quickly left the barn for the big city, where it gained urban popularity which is unsurpassed to this day.

The Player

Only slightly varied from, yet infinitely more badass than the classic, “The Player” shows those you meet that you know what’s up. Awkward moments often arise when one party assumes that “The Classic” is called for, only to discover that the second party is expecting “The Player.” After much fumbling to adjust, the party offering “The Classic” always looks like a chump, while the player throwing down “The Player” keeps his rep proper. Furthermore, the volume of the snap the two parties achieve upon separation is yet another indicator of a down ass mother fucker. True players: include a half hug using your free arm.

Hand Sandwich

A type of hand shake also known as the "Two hander." Comprised of "The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes." Greeting is open to interpretation because much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes.

The Change For A Five

Back when Tom Cruise still had everyone fooled into thinking he could be taken seriously, his character in the gay fighter pilot classic, Top Gun revolutionized the high five. When Maverick and Goose felt the need to show their mutual affection away from the shower room, they went with The Change for A Five. A high five that ends with a behind-the-back low five, the flamboyant greeting adds some flair to a contemporary classic. According to Top Gun director Tony Scott, Cruise himself developed the twist on the high five, but originally ended the handshake with a dual ass pat instead of the well-known second hand slap.

The Dual High Five

Rarely does a first encounter call for “The Dual High Five.” Typically used to celebrate awesomeness, “The Dual High Five” is more commonly exchanged between close friends to acknowledge a rawking guitar solo, last second field goal or successfully installed after-market spoiler. Although the exciting greeting exudes enthusiasm, “The Dual High Five” is not recommended for job interviews, court proceedings or post-coital.

The Fresh Prince

Now this is a tale all about how America got flipped, turned upside down by one dope-ass handshake. Born of the deep affection the Fresh Prince ("I Robot’s" Will Smith) felt for his confidante DJ Jazzy Jeff (the first and last name in electronic music), the handshake goes down in history as the first to include vocal accompaniment. When Will and Jazz slapped hands they immediately ended the handshake by parting hands, turning their heads to the side and saying “Pshssss,” to the delight of a live studio audience. Neither Will’s beloved cousin, Carlton, nor his dear Uncle Phil were ever offered “The Fresh Prince” by Will himself, but the greeting was embraced by a nation in Love with that West Philadelphian.

Palm Tickler

This handshake gained popularity after a wildly successful string of films beginning with Encino Man and continuing through Biodome. A young Pauly Shore used this inventive handshake to symbolize his laid-back style and unconventional wisdom. Often paired with a nonchalant “yeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh buuuuuuudddyyyy,” the Palm Tickler’s assimilation into the pop greeting world peaked with the release of Son In Law. Sadly, today the Palm Tickler is more of a novelty greeting, used only as a sarcastic throwback, rather than an homage to Shore or his work. Still, everywhere juice is successfully weased, the Palm Tickler is at least considered as the proper method of celebration.

The Caucasian

It begins with “The Classic,” ends with index fingers and thumbs in a mock gun and contains “The Player” within the handshake itself. This simple progression of three separate handshakes was an attempt by visor wearing, Snow-quoting white kids to imitate the intricate hand greetings popular with African American street gang members. Although no one would ever mistake “The Caucasian” for the complex choreographed hello of two seasoned thugs, it gained popularity during the suburbanization of the hip hop movement and can still be seen today used as a congratulatory gesture for a great chip shot or to seal a Magic the Gathering card trade.