Kentucky Lightning is a character that will one day grow out of sub culture status and perhaps to the big silver screen. She is as obvious as she looks and she does not bother to hold anything back. She is the redneck relative that comes to visit but never leaves. The only thing that is on her mind more than going to Scooters Bar and Grill is chasing them ladies. The following will give a brief explanation about what I have come to know of Kentucky Lightning and all the splinters in her fingers that is her.
I could not help but want to get to know this girl on the night of August 12th 2007. I was having a drink at a bar called Coyotes located on 116 W Jefferson Street in Louisville Kentucky, waiting to ride the mechanical bull and then I saw her. There she stood, she was tall, lewd, crude and was obviously on the prowl for seducing hot blonde chicks but would settle for any chick she could get a hold of. She made her presence known by being loud, obnoxious and adjusting her crotch area as though she was hiding a Lady boner. She didn't think before she spoke and cut in front of me with no remorse to ride the mechanical bull. I just knew to step back and watch the ride because it was defiantly going to be a show.
Kentucky Lightning is known for taking the bull by the horns or at least that’s the rumor from all those ladies out there. If you thought the expression to take life by the horns was impressive, you have never seen a girl with a mini truck mullet ride a mechanical bull in such a way that would make Ty Murray stand up and beg for buttermilk. She rode that bull like Crazy Horse did in the battle of Little Big Horn 1876, all while smoking cigarettes and shouting obscenities. When she broke the club record she walked past me giving me a shoulder bump and told me to watch where I was going. The balls on Kentucky could measure fathoms on the Mississippi river.
Kentucky is not known for her sensitivity and rarely holds anything back. It has been reported that Kentucky Lightning made Kevin Sorbo cry for reminding him that he was runner-up to Dean Cain for the role of Superman in the Lois and Clark, Adventures of Superman series. If you thought that was a low blow, she happened to see Richard Gear on Hollywood Boulevard and reminded him that every role John Travolta turned down he got. Hollywood is a rough business and Kentucky moved out there to put it in its place, which is face down in the Muff garden.
I think it is obvious that Kentucky prefers the ladies as much as we guys do. From what I gathered, Kentucky never took a ride on the pogo stick and was always hungry for the fluffy muff monster. Although she is genetically a woman, she chases muff as though she were Dom Deluise chasing after hamburger steak in Cannon Ball Run. However, she is probably the biggest cock blocker east of the Mississippi, but we have to respect her lady boner and give it a wide birth. We honor anyone who can get those ladies and Kentucky is at the top of a very short list.
Kentucky has a mastered the concept of Guy Code but it can not be duplicated by men. She has an unfair advantage of being able to legally go where men can not. For example, she can go into Women’s restrooms located in gyms, hotels, bars, clubs, strip clubs etc. and still be home in time for Corn Flakes without the risk of being arrested. It is sort of like the magic trick Christian Bale’s character did in the movie “The Prestige”. Nevertheless, her random acts of vulgarity tend to work well for men and her antics have given guys new strategy in the pursuit of lady muffins. She is both a blessing and a threat to men's life dream of buttering lady muffins and Living the Dream.
Kentucky Goes to Scooters
This Video will sum up "Kentucky Lightning" for all those who have not heard of her or had "the pleasure". This is the video I first saw of Kentucky Lightning. It is hilarious and so original that haters are trying to sue. More over, Kentucky Lightning visited the Los Angeles' Pride looking for Love and she will be releasing a short film which the release is to be announced. Until that day comes, watch this video and keep your ear to the grind stone.
Kentucky Lightning Video
Got to Warm Up the Hose
Kentucky's demeanor can be summed up by comparing her to a boner on a mission. This mission, which she chooses to accept, is to serial dive into the wonderland of Ladydum. She doesn't have time to remember names or to call you the next day. She just to moves onto greener pastures where the beer flows like wine and the women like the salmon of Capistrano! Kentucky's main game in life is chasing those ladies with extreme horniness. When she is not working in the mechanic shop fixing transmissions, she is checking the oil in the Holiest of holes with her dip stick.
Come to My Window
Kentucky likes to hang out at places that tend to have ladies nights, beer specials and a great selection of female Pelvic drapery. In the past, Kentucky has been fond of hanging around Scooters Bar and Grill chalking up her cue stick looking to put her lady boner in the corner pocket. However, she is branching out to more than just one place of Skunk plunking. I got the pleasure of seeing her at the bar Coyotes and others have told me she has been seen in downtown Louisville harassing tourists and training for the Kentucky Derby. Her latest hang out is rumored to be located on the west coast and was spotted at the "Girl Bar" in Los Angeles. However, her hair cut has been mistaken before and because of it’s a popular look for any coal miner’s daughter, we can not be sure it was really her.
Get Out Kentucky Lightning!
Kentucky may have a reputation of getting to know those ladies but her reputation has experienced failure on occasion. Kentucky started to get a huge lady boner for a girl named Sarah Hyland and this conquest took a turn for the worst for good ole Kentucky. When Sarah Hyland moved to Los Angeles, Kentucky sooned followed like a redbone bloodhound on Cunt hunt. Kentucky wasn't just trying to serial grind her Flesh Whistle on Hyland's "well shaped supple ass" as Kentucky would put it, but she was in love. Kentucky was rejected and she was more angry at herself for letting her heart get in the way of her lust button. She reportedly went on a serial binge of "finger licking good" proportions to try to forget about Hyland. She also had to stop sleeping in front of Hyland's condo as well due to the restraining order. However, this will not be the last time Kentucky will try to guess the color of Hyland's thong!
Ladies Night with Kentucky
Kentucky is not a stranger to frequenting the strip clubs to inspect the under carriages of fine sirloin. Kentucky was very fond of taking home a strippers thong and maybe give it a lil sniffy poo and perhaps even tall a story about it. If Wednesday night is ladies night at the strip club you can count on Kentucky frequenting that establishment. Since Kentucky can pace herself she can't pass out from drinking too much which means she will be their until the girls are getting into their cars and hopefully her getting in some too. That’s when Kentucky tries to get a lil ride home and maybe even give a good Cunt lashing with her tongue. It's a great strategy since on the threat scale she is a woman and most of the time the strippers are willing to give her a lift. However, sometimes it can be a short ride home if Kentucky can’t behave herself.
Kentucky Loves Hooters
Kentucky loves her some hooters, both the breasts and the restaurant. Be careful if you happen to be dining at one of these fine establishments in the Los Angeles area. I'm sure you have heard of the expression, "Don't get between a dog and its bone", well the same goes for Kentucky and her breasts, I mean wings. Kentucky prefers all drummettes, extra hot and extra crispy and served southern style. Also, don't bother her with the drink specials unless it also involves the carnal knowledge of a Hooters girl. I once heard a story that Kentucky whooped two men’s asses in one day while dinning at Hooters. The two guys apparently tried to Cock block her lady boner from tag teaming the fertile crescent of a Hooters girl’s lady buttons. Big mistake.
Bull Dyke Kentucky Lightning
Some of Kentucky's favorite past times are going to Warrant concerts, watching the Pamela Anderson Sex tape, watching Ric Flair highlights, going to Hooters, drinking at Scooters, hooking up over computers and warming up the hose for all those posers. Her favorite meal is haggis and if you know what that is it means you didn't have to google it. Kentucky also loves to get hot and sweaty working underneath cheap foreign cars, checking the oil, and playing with a good ratchet set. She is the all American DYKE on a bike with no baggage. I once heard that Kentucky Lightning was made out of railroad ties. She is as tough as nails and dips by putting snuff in her belly button. If you are a guy and she sniffs the wind and catches your boner pointing at her lady, she will saddle you like a rented mule from West Virginia.
Kentucky Lightning is perhaps the favorite of all Sarah Hyland’s comedy sketch characters at this point in time. Hyland's character Kentucky especially appeals across all demographics and is a fan favorite on Youtube. With the stereotypically lady mullet, short shorts, identity tattoo, slap jaw personality and southern accent, she makes quite an impression across the internet communities. I’m sure she will one day have a Kentucky Lighting reality series with Sarah making a few cameos of herself as well. Until then, check out Sarah Hyland’s website and myspace and tell her that Guy Code sent you.